Feb 3. 2023. Today is my 12th day in Spain. It was warmer! I wore my Oma's cashmere sweaterwhich I'm learning is ridden with holes from moths! My Daddy-Pop told me he never bothered to think about moths earlier in his life, and I dismissed his newfound realization as something that only an old person would think about. I was wrong! He was right. I've thought a lot about mothers since I have been here. Entering the second week of my time here, I feel younger and more vulnerable than I have in a good bit. I have spent the past few months of my life reckoning with solitude--understanding my codepdency as something that made me a big green angry monster and trying, pushing, to rid myself of fufillment in that which I can not give to myself. I have walked and I have read and ate so many lunches alone and after a while, it started to feel good. I have been learning to know what I want and actualize the inklings of thoughts and ideas that had grazed my mind yet never felt solid enough to trust. I have started to think and, sentimentally enough, see, for the first time maybe ever. I have found new appreciation for art and for books and have loved music in a way I never have before. Thanks to those who have been honest with me and those who taught me how to care for things and demonstrated a sense of self I stride towards today, I feel like I have been becoming an actual person. I take issue with that term, as your level of self awareness should not dictate your humanity but seeing as I am now -feeling- for the first time, I am really, truthfully finding value in what it means to be human. All of this being said, the past twelve days have been hard. After being home, a period in itself which is always a bit challenging, I have spent nearly two weeks 'orienting' myself with the city I am living in and the people in my abroad program. I struggle to connect, which I always do in settings such as these and, quite truthfully, many settings. I am finding it hard to be comfortable with my solitude in a way I was learning to be months ago. Walks and movies and books and cigarettes and music and yogurt are not providing me with the same sense of self I was inching towards. If you notice, I am refraining from absolutes, from achievement, because self imposed deadlines and expectations have gotten me into a bit of trouble, and I am attempting to do everything I can to reject them. This is hard when you are in Spain and are twenty, which is something I did not expect. But here I am, with 3 months remaining (only!!!), and I will continue to manage my expectations and hopefully also have fun.